The truth is...

The truth is that right now I am worn out.  My heart feels old, my emotions are exhausted, brain feels like it is slowly shutting down and my body is tired. I wish I could say my body feels tired because I just came back from a work-out but I am ashamed to say that my body probably feels worn out due to the stress I make myself carry around.

Today I was tutoring a child who is a bit behind for his age and we were reading, or at least trying to read. I would encourage him to sound out the letters. He kept forgetting to sound them out and would get stuck. At times he would just sit there, frustration accumulating with every second that went by. I would say, "You can do it! You're super smart!" I would coach him through every letter of the words and then start putting the sounds together but I would not do all the words because I wanted him to do it on his own. Our scheduled reading time came to an end but I asked him to stay so we could practice a little longer. He tried a little longer but was too distracted with wanting to play on the computer that we were not having much success with the reading. The tears came next and in his eyes I could also see some frustration directed at me. We finished our last reading page, but just barely! WOOH!! I asked him to look at my eyes as I proceeded to explain my persistence in reading, even past our scheduled reading time. As he looked into my eyes I told him that the reason I pushed him was because I wanted him "to be a super fast reader and maybe even one day be the fastest in his class." I told him that but the truth is that I want him to read well so he can be proud of himself and gain confidence.

Later, I was humbled. Just like this little boy, I throw fits when I am tired. In my frustration, all of me wants to quit whatever is challenging me. I will be honest and say that I naturally am not a fighter. I prefer to pout. In my pouting I forget to listen or seek The Lord. At times I feel as if The Lord were slaying me, pushing me just too much. Today I was reminded that The Lord pushes me to uncomfortable levels for my own good. As a tutor, I learn to love the child I am helping and I genuinely want to help build their self-esteem through challenges. I do this with great love and I am just a tutor. My heart overflows with joy at the truth that my Heavenly Daddy loves a whole lot better than a tutor.



In my weariness I want to praise my First, TRUE Love. I want Him to gain glory through my weaknesses. All I find with my strength is confusion. I don't know what to do or which way to turn. I lack knowledge and confidence but have plenty of fears and frustrations. BUT IN HIM I find strength, peace, rest, unending joy, and direction. All I need to do is seek MY TRUE LOVE, JESUS CHRIST.



Prayer from a humbled heart:

Daddy, I need you right now. I need your strength, your peace. I want to crawl into your arms and be held by you. My heart longs for you. Jesus, give me the courage you gave David when facing Goliath. You have already conquered all my fears. You have already redeemed my weariness. Tune the ears of my heart to clearly distinguish your voice from the voices of my fears. Daddy remind me that you call me your own, your precious. Remind me of the grace that is constantly extended to me and of the truth that I do not need to carry my own stress, shortcomings and shame around. You are so sweet, gracious and loving. Just like the Israelites, my adulteress heart constantly looses sight of your greatness and focuses on the challenges of life, forgetting your great faithfulness and power. My heart so easily wanders and gets distracted but you take me and call me your own. Thank you for your perfect love Father.